The 5th of June, the day that changed the course of my life and will now forever be celebrated!
One year ago today, without me knowing, the King signed a letter saying he approved of my name change. He approved after the Ministry of Justice and Defense handed in all the paperwork that an inspector of theirs, who was on my case, had worked on for some time. Well over a year ago the letters of the inspector were my only hope and I was patiently waiting each month for his letters. In March a letter came in that he agreed with my case and that he also thought my new name was very fitting. But after that he basically told me we had to play the waiting game…
Months went by without another word or a letter. Actually one year ago, on this very day, I remember what I was thinking. I had hoped to be in Vienna, Austria to meet up with a dear friend of mine who is from overseas. I was sad because I wasn’t allowed to travel outside the country since my passport with my old name on it could expire any minute. There was no way to find out how long the process would take. Even when the King signed the letter it would take weeks for the letter to arrive. It takes time to change someone’s identity. That’s for sure a good thing, but I was waiting a very long time for this moment and the life I was living for well over a year felt very much in a bubble. My travelling soul was hungry to go.
Then the letter did arrive over two months later and it took another three weeks until I finally could hold on for dear life to my brand new passport. I remember what I felt on my way walking from the town hall to the car: even if I die right now, at least it will be the right name that dies today. Dark? Yes. But also a very honest feeling of unexpected happiness. I would die peacefully with no regrets. However, let’s get real here… I was even more ready to live! Make memories with a new name. Getting that passport stamped. Building a new career.
With knowledge of the past, but going into a new future felt so liberating. I broke myself down, tore everything apart. So I could blossom the way I always wanted, needed and had dreamed of for years. The only person I wished I could tell it face to face was an eight year old version of me. You did it kid. It took you twenty years, but you persevered.
After much more paperwork it was time for more paperwork. Not for the government, my bank or other institution. It was time to make a new bucket list, a new vision board of my new book of life. Living life in a bubble for over a year was at least very good for my bank account, I had saved up quite a number and it was time to spend it! I booked multiple trips and one long stay. It was time to use my legs and fly again, so I did.
People asked me why I moved to Vienna for the winter. To a country I only ever passed through, and to a city I had never been to. Well, because it was the only city I could think of on the day the King signed the letter that told me my name was changed. And I could not think of any other place that would also make a younger version of me incredibly happy. Someone who just loves movies set in that city. It was everything and more than I had dreamed of and I even heard a faint giggle of the kid inside me when I was dancing in a museum that was turned into a nightclub or that night at the ballet. Or was it that time I walked into the gardens of the palace when the festive lights danced?
After Vienna I went to London, a city that mesmerised me as a teenager. In a country I once lived in when I was just nineteen. It is where I did meet my dear friend when it wasn’t possible the year before in Vienna. We had a fun time together and I got to do so many things in town that I wished to do.
I was far from done after London. So I went to concerts cause there weren’t a lot of options to go when I was living in a bubble. Me not having a lot of overlap in music taste compared to my friends was a bit of a bummer. And I still was not done, I decided to go on another trip, this time to fulfill my bucket list to go to a Book Fair in Germany.
For four months it was lovely running around in Europe to explore and do all the things I wanted to do. Living a life I had envisioned as soon as I was handed my new passport.
This brings me to today. I call it my rebirthday. The day that started everything, and also ended my old life. So instead of throwing just a party, I am also throwing a wake. Yeah, there should be a party to celebrate my future. But I also want to mourn the person I was to get me here today. I have no idea how it came to be, but I think it’s quite poetic, my rebirthday and birthday are only six months apart. Like it’s two sides of the same coin.
At the same time this feels like the start of a completely new book. But then again, this author of her own life did change her name up. Instead of crossing the name out, I put the book on the shelf in memory. Since the last few months I have been eagerly writing in my new book and I can’t wait to explore the rest of my future.
Love,
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